This has been the hardest year of my life. This was the year of learning. Learning who I was and who I needed to be. Learning who would always stand by my side and who would walk away. Learning how to love people and myself.
I wish I could say I learned all these things and improved my life to where I’m thriving. That hasn’t been the case. I learned so much and so many changes were forced on me. Even writing this is difficult. Sharing my heart is not something this year has made me more willing to do. I have rebuilt the walls in hopes of not repeating the hurt. I ran so far from all the things I should have found comfort in.
I ran from my faith. I ran from my love for others. I ran from the people who hurt me. I ran from nearly all the good things I had. I ran from truth. All this running lead me to different problems. Running from problems rarely leads to less problems. In this case, it only brought more. Problems disguised as good things. Truth is, your conscience knows when you’re in too deep even if you can’t admit it. That’s the Holy Spirit living within.
Regardless of how pretty a picture I can paint of my faith and walk with Christ, this year was a struggle at every turn. I rebelled every chance I got. Looking back, I only cared about what was making me happy. I couldn’t see the plan God had for me so I gave up. I knew in the back of my head that God always has a plan for his children, but I could not see it. I couldn’t feel it. I am not meant to have all the answers. There were times I was following and seeking, but they were far apart. I still have miles to go, but God has not given up on me. He has not stopped loving me. He never will. That doesn’t mean I get to live a life that dishonors him.
While I was running, I ran into somebody I fell hard for. The problem disguised as the good thing. The beginning was every bit of a fairytale, but the end caused more damage than I could have imagined. Every bit of my heart wanted to be loved so badly that I forgot I already was. One of my constant struggles has been singleness. Through all this, I thought I was seeing it end. I thought I was falling for the right person. The feeling of loving another person is something that I can’t put into words. It feels like fire in your veins. But it should never make you feel like somebody you are not. It should never twist you into a person you don’t recognize. That is not love. I let myself get to that place. The road out of that was not pretty or easy. It is still something I struggle with every day.
Going back to school was my way out of that place. Once I was away from the intensity, I felt closer to where I needed to be. It was easier to heal. It was easier to let my heart breathe. It was easier to finally talk to my mom about everything. I felt free. I felt clean. I started reading my Bible again. The thing about “following your heart” is that your heart is deceitful. It will lead into places you never thought you would end up. When I started putting the effort back into my relationship with Christ, I found strife at every turn. The enemy does not sit by idle and let us live in peace. That’s not an enemy.
Rebuilding takes time. It takes help. Sometimes, it even takes setbacks.
The biggest lesson I learned was that sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in your life forever regardless of how much you want them to. Rebuilding takes help. Sometimes that help is somebody deciding they have nothing left to give. People have always told me that God works in mysterious ways. He does but He is also extremely obvious. When God shows you who should be in your life, don’t fight him. Trust that He knows what will happen if they stay. Trust that He has a reason. Trust that He will send you the people you need. Even the people around for the longest time don’t always stay. And that hurts but it gets better.
I wish I could say that I am back where I want to be. I think I’m where God needs me to be for the work he has for me. As hard and difficult as this year has been, I know I still have a purpose. God still has a plan for my life even though I can’t see it right this second. This single post was written in one sitting but it took a year to get here. It took a year to shape my heart for this moment. It took a year of struggles, fights, tears, and anxiety to get here. To be able to share my heart. God works in my life even when I fail to do anything right.
