Finding friends is hard and that's okay

For me, making friends is extremely difficult. I find it easy to overthink and the opinions of others always weigh heavy in my mind. Did they like my jokes? Did I talk too much, overshare? I always worry I say too much or not enough. The friends I made freshman year are not bad people. They are caring and helpful. But we don’t fit together anymore. The relationship was too fragile to continue. Our values changed and we no longer enjoyed the same things. Our definitions of fun changed.

Making new friends after feeling rejected by your current ones is hard. You feel the need to watch everything you say and do. You always wonder where the closeness ended. What did you do to make them resent you? Did you just fall out because of stress or lack of similar interests? Was the entire friendship based on false intentions for the start?

Coming in this year, I felt the pressure to keep the same friends because starting over would be too hard. I knew how hard it was for me to make new friends. Over the summer, I got closer with a few people I already knew and that took some pressure off. I also attended the Leadership Conference and met lots of people I would not normally cross paths with. This gave me practice at introducing myself and taught me what to say and when to say it.

I am glad to say I have made several new friends this semester. Friends who like movie nights and hot chocolate parties. Friends that recommend books and allow me the freedom to rant without condemnation. These friends give advice with loving tones and caring hugs. They are people I want to have in my life for the rest of my life. They aren’t better people but they are better for me. They are the definition of friends that grow you. They push me to be better, more productive, broaden my horizons and demand better of the others in my life.

The process of picking people I thought would be good friends was more difficult than I could imagine. Distancing myself from old, easy friendships long enough to make new ones was a constant battle. It meant saying no and leaving messages opened but never replying. It meant feeling alone and struggling with my problems alone. I forced myself to try harder this time. I determined myself to find and make intentional relationships with people who would be a light in my temporary darknesses.

It has always been easy for me to make friends with the person in all my classes, the girls on the golf team, or the people who always eat lunch when I do. College forced me to beat these old habits into the ground. This meant knocking on the doors of girls on my hall and fighting through the awkwardness of “what is this girl doing in our room and what does she want?” This meant feeling like my skin was crawling every time they said, “come in.” I was satisfied to get no answer and return to my room and wallow in “alone time.”

I encourage you all to examine why you are friends with the people you are. Do they grow you? Do they support you without coddling you? Are you making intentional friendships to last? If not, change it. You have the power to change what you don't like. Pray about it. Ask God to bring new people into your life that lead will lead you closer to Him. It's hard not to become the people we spend time with. Make sure you have good ones.

I hope you all find yourselves surrounded by loving people over the holidays. For us college students, this can be a very stressful time with finals and going home. Make time for your family and friends. But also, make time for your mind to rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love.