2018 A look back

This has been the hardest year of my life. This was the year of learning. Learning who I was and who I needed to be. Learning who would always stand by my side and who would walk away. Learning how to love people and myself.

I wish I could say I learned all these things and improved my life to where I’m thriving. That hasn’t been the case. I learned so much and so many changes were forced on me. Even writing this is difficult. Sharing my heart is not something this year has made me more willing to do. I have rebuilt the walls in hopes of not repeating the hurt. I ran so far from all the things I should have found comfort in.

I ran from my faith. I ran from my love for others. I ran from the people who hurt me. I ran from nearly all the good things I had. I ran from truth. All this running lead me to different problems. Running from problems rarely leads to less problems. In this case, it only brought more. Problems disguised as good things. Truth is, your conscience knows when you’re in too deep even if you can’t admit it. That’s the Holy Spirit living within.

Regardless of how pretty a picture I can paint of my faith and walk with Christ, this year was a struggle at every turn. I rebelled every chance I got. Looking back, I only cared about what was making me happy. I couldn’t see the plan God had for me so I gave up. I knew in the back of my head that God always has a plan for his children, but I could not see it. I couldn’t feel it. I am not meant to have all the answers. There were times I was following and seeking, but they were far apart. I still have miles to go, but God has not given up on me. He has not stopped loving me. He never will. That doesn’t mean I get to live a life that dishonors him.

While I was running, I ran into somebody I fell hard for. The problem disguised as the good thing. The beginning was every bit of a fairytale, but the end caused more damage than I could have imagined. Every bit of my heart wanted to be loved so badly that I forgot I already was. One of my constant struggles has been singleness. Through all this, I thought I was seeing it end. I thought I was falling for the right person. The feeling of loving another person is something that I can’t put into words. It feels like fire in your veins. But it should never make you feel like somebody you are not. It should never twist you into a person you don’t recognize. That is not love. I let myself get to that place. The road out of that was not pretty or easy. It is still something I struggle with every day.

Going back to school was my way out of that place. Once I was away from the intensity, I felt closer to where I needed to be. It was easier to heal. It was easier to let my heart breathe. It was easier to finally talk to my mom about everything. I felt free. I felt clean. I started reading my Bible again. The thing about “following your heart” is that your heart is deceitful. It will lead into places you never thought you would end up. When I started putting the effort back into my relationship with Christ, I found strife at every turn. The enemy does not sit by idle and let us live in peace. That’s not an enemy.

Rebuilding takes time. It takes help. Sometimes, it even takes setbacks.

The biggest lesson I learned was that sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in your life forever regardless of how much you want them to. Rebuilding takes help. Sometimes that help is somebody deciding they have nothing left to give. People have always told me that God works in mysterious ways. He does but He is also extremely obvious. When God shows you who should be in your life, don’t fight him. Trust that He knows what will happen if they stay. Trust that He has a reason. Trust that He will send you the people you need. Even the people around for the longest time don’t always stay. And that hurts but it gets better.

I wish I could say that I am back where I want to be. I think I’m where God needs me to be for the work he has for me. As hard and difficult as this year has been, I know I still have a purpose. God still has a plan for my life even though I can’t see it right this second. This single post was written in one sitting but it took a year to get here. It took a year to shape my heart for this moment. It took a year of struggles, fights, tears, and anxiety to get here. To be able to share my heart. God works in my life even when I fail to do anything right.

You are made Whole

Between Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat, it's easy to let comparison get the best of you. We see the very best things people decide to post. Nobody posts pictures of the nights they  lay awake wondering about their futures. We don't see the tears shed to songs that always touch our hearts. 

We all have things we don't show the world. The thing is we can't compare our private lives to the ones we see on social media. It's never the same. This comparison is not what we are called for.

You have been made whole by the Creator of the world and that is enough. 

When you feel like a failure or not good enough, remember this. Nothing, not a boy, a friend, or anything else can separate you from Christ. He has given you a new life and a new hope. Hope that is not of this world. When someone makes you feel like you aren't enough for them, show them their approval is not required. Jesus has made you whole. Show them love and mercy and grace, but do not let them make you feel inferior. 

I spent years comparing myself to the girls in my life. This does not mean that comparison has stopped. I realized the problems I can't seem to solve require more help than I can give. Problems like this need God. I am not meant to solve them. I must learn to surrender. That is the lesson I've been learning. My problems, whatever they are, are not too big for God.

This year of college has been harder than I ever expected. I can't stress to you all the importance of surrounding yourself with uplifting people. People who let you cry your heart out without trying to stop you. People who order your birthday present two months before your birthday. While this semester has been difficult, I have learned so many lessons. These things give me new reasons to rebuild old relationships and add value to the ones I already have.

I have the extraordinary opportunity to share my heart with you all and that is something I cherish. We share the same problems. I don't always have the answers but my God does. My hope is that I can learn to surrender. I'm learning that I can't do it without Him, no matter how much I think I can. I hope I can be used to help you all too.

Finding friends is hard and that's okay

For me, making friends is extremely difficult. I find it easy to overthink and the opinions of others always weigh heavy in my mind. Did they like my jokes? Did I talk too much, overshare? I always worry I say too much or not enough. The friends I made freshman year are not bad people. They are caring and helpful. But we don’t fit together anymore. The relationship was too fragile to continue. Our values changed and we no longer enjoyed the same things. Our definitions of fun changed.

Making new friends after feeling rejected by your current ones is hard. You feel the need to watch everything you say and do. You always wonder where the closeness ended. What did you do to make them resent you? Did you just fall out because of stress or lack of similar interests? Was the entire friendship based on false intentions for the start?

Coming in this year, I felt the pressure to keep the same friends because starting over would be too hard. I knew how hard it was for me to make new friends. Over the summer, I got closer with a few people I already knew and that took some pressure off. I also attended the Leadership Conference and met lots of people I would not normally cross paths with. This gave me practice at introducing myself and taught me what to say and when to say it.

I am glad to say I have made several new friends this semester. Friends who like movie nights and hot chocolate parties. Friends that recommend books and allow me the freedom to rant without condemnation. These friends give advice with loving tones and caring hugs. They are people I want to have in my life for the rest of my life. They aren’t better people but they are better for me. They are the definition of friends that grow you. They push me to be better, more productive, broaden my horizons and demand better of the others in my life.

The process of picking people I thought would be good friends was more difficult than I could imagine. Distancing myself from old, easy friendships long enough to make new ones was a constant battle. It meant saying no and leaving messages opened but never replying. It meant feeling alone and struggling with my problems alone. I forced myself to try harder this time. I determined myself to find and make intentional relationships with people who would be a light in my temporary darknesses.

It has always been easy for me to make friends with the person in all my classes, the girls on the golf team, or the people who always eat lunch when I do. College forced me to beat these old habits into the ground. This meant knocking on the doors of girls on my hall and fighting through the awkwardness of “what is this girl doing in our room and what does she want?” This meant feeling like my skin was crawling every time they said, “come in.” I was satisfied to get no answer and return to my room and wallow in “alone time.”

I encourage you all to examine why you are friends with the people you are. Do they grow you? Do they support you without coddling you? Are you making intentional friendships to last? If not, change it. You have the power to change what you don't like. Pray about it. Ask God to bring new people into your life that lead will lead you closer to Him. It's hard not to become the people we spend time with. Make sure you have good ones.

I hope you all find yourselves surrounded by loving people over the holidays. For us college students, this can be a very stressful time with finals and going home. Make time for your family and friends. But also, make time for your mind to rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love.

A work in progress

We aren't who we used to be and maybe that's okay, maybe it's even good.

It's been a while since I have felt like writing a post and even now I don't feel like I know just how to get the words out. I can't find my way back to the path I was on, but I'm trying.

I have struggled this semester with so many things I never would have predicted. Friends that fall, boys that play, and classes that are overwhelming.

One of of my friends asked me before break, "why are you doing this Emily?" Why am I at college? Why am I playing golf? Why am I on the path I'm on? I have to admit, when he asked I did not have an answer. The more I thought about it, the less I knew. To fill you guys in, I have missed the cut for every tournament this fall and it has been extremely discouraging to not be able to fix it. Golf is something very important to me and it usually relieves a lot of stress. This semester, that has not been the case.

I spent fall break trying to sort these stresses out. My golf game in shambles, my grades not great, and my friends at war with me and each other. I never would have thought this is how the year would pan out. I answered my friend's question though. Golf is something I love but it does not define. School is growing me and preparing me. I haven't made time for the Kingdom. I have become more caught up in the temporary things than with the Kingdom things. I have placed my joy in the hands of acceptance, friends, followers, likes, money, and even golf. I have stepped off the path. God is still there. He never left. At the end of the day, I am a child of the King and that is something I need not forget.

My hope is those of you reading this who have been feeling the same way know you're not alone. We all stray and step off the path. This doesn't mean we can't go back. We can return to where we need to be. I hope that you find your way back to the path God has laid out for you. Just know, if you aren't happy where you are you can always make a change. My prayers are with you all. 

Off to College... again

It doesn't seem like I should be in my second year of college already, but alas, here I sit typing this post for you all in my new dorm. Freshman year was the biggest learning experience of my life. Not only did I have to go to class, but I had to learn how to live on my own. I had to make friends and talk to professors about assignments and go to practice everyday. It was not all fun and there were some times I wanted nothing more than to go home and see my mom. Looking back now, I'm so glad that I didn't. I learned so much about myself and how I was being taught and what things I need to improve on. College is learning in and out of the classroom. 

One of the most liberating things I learned was, it is okay not to know the answer. This is in class and life. I know now that God was preparing me for greater things than I couldn't see and everything I learned was something I would need later. 

I moved all of my stuff in about two weeks early this year because I was on campus early for a Leadership Conference. It was the most exhausting but truly wonderful three days. We had so much to do everyday and the speakers were great. It was a wonderful journey that I can't wait to enjoy. 

During this, a few things stuck out to me. "People are messy and life is messy." This is something I have to remember when I don't want to forgive and forget. "Leave room in your life to be lead by the Holy Spirit." This is the phrase that reminds me that God is not done in my life yet. "Where ever you are, be all there." This reminds me that I need to be all in with the work I'm doing, whatever that may be. 

For all of you who are just starting school, I have a few pointers:

1. Spend equals amounts of time studying as you do getting to know your friends. 

2. Make friends from other countries. 

3. Get sleep, the test isn't that important. 

4. Call you parents. They miss you, trust me.  

I hope if any of you are starting college or will be soon, that you remember to soak in the learning. I will be praying for those of you who are off to school. If you have any questions about school, just let me know! I will try my best to answer them. I want to make another post just about my dorm things because I found some awesome stuff. 

Remember, you are enough. Lots of love,

Emily

Purposefully Created

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

This verse is used everywhere for everything you could imagine. It is my favorite but lately the constant use of it has worn me out. I have stopped hearing the meanings of the words and the true weight they carry for me. I have struggled for some time with my self-confidence and being comfortable in my own skin. Mirrors were places to criticize and perfect what was already perfected. Throughout high school, I compared myself to the other girls and always found myself lacking. Even today, I catch myself fighting to be content with how I look. Old habits die hard. Since starting college, I have learned that this comparison has been the thief of  my joy. I was making myself unhappy because of things I thought I didn't have. Truth is, I already have everything I could ever need. Jesus took care of everything, forever. 

This verse reminds me that even on the days I still feel like I'm not enough, I am still loved by the KING of KINGS. Isn't that awesome? The Heavenly Father has created me with a purpose. He has a great plan for my life, one beyond my wildest dreams. He knows the innermost workings of my heart. He knows my prayers even before I pray them. He knows exactly how I feel when I am unhappy or angry or overwhelmed. He loves me that much, so much I can't explain it. He loves you that much too.

"So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are"

Come As You Are - Crowder

This song reminds me that there is no feeling I can feel that my Heavenly Father doesn't understand. He knows just what I need. "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't cure." The things we feel everyday are no comparison to the joy of Heaven. I have been blessed beyond measure in this season of my life. I have been given the encouragement to change this blog into a work for the Kingdom. I have the opportunity to reach people on my campus in ways I never had before. None of these things I could have planned for myself. All these things are gifts from God; all part of His great plan. 

I want to encourage you all that God has a great plan for your life. It's hard to understand sometimes but I promise, if you look closely, you will see Him moving in your life. 

With love,

Emily

Unashamed because of Mercy

First, I'd like to say thank you to those of you who have read my blog over this past year and stuck around in my dormant periods. My journey has changed dramatically since I started this blog. I have graduated high school and gone to college; my life has never been more unpredictable, but it has truly been one of the best years of my young life. 

College has taught me so many things that I never knew about myself. Like, the longest I can be away from my family is about a month. I never would have imagined that I would love Bryan so much. This school is truly amazing and God is doing a great work on our campus. In my first year there, I have met people I know will be in my life for a long time and I have grown in my faith and walk with Christ. I feel confident enough to share my faith with you who read this blog and with my closest friends. God has given me countless opportunities to learn and grow and for that I am amazed and overwhelmed. There is not a day that I don't see the hand of God moving in my life and the lives of people I love. 

"I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it's a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming"
Overwhelmed - Big Daddy Weave

This song is how it feels to be surrounded by people who are seeking God's plans in their lives. That song is the song of my last year. I have been down and felt unworthy to sing in chapel. I have also felt right at home in the midst of worship. Through all those times, good and bad, God has been there, holding my hand. He never wavers. 

With all this said, I want this blog to look a little different. I want not only  to continue with fashion, but I want this to be a place of encouragement. I want you to feel loved and uplifted. I want to create a place where we can share our struggles and give encouragement to others as well. My prayer is that I can help those of you who are believers and together we can lead the lost to the Lord. I also want to urge you all to read a blog by my dear cousin Anna (https://uncatching.wordpress.com/). She is a kind soul and very brave and she has been a huge encouragement to me through her blog and her story. Anna, if you read this, I am truly thankful for everything you are doing. I'm glad you have shared so much with me and I love you dearly. 

I want to thank you all for your support and I hope to see you again real soon.